December 28 2024 ,
So I had a dream and NOT A DREAM this morning … Reoccurring THEME DREAM that always made me feel guilty because of past failure that I kept reviewing, ‘I was at college and not going to class and not passing and not probably going to graduate and lying to my parents about how things were going, I had an exam but hadn’t been to class etc. I wasn’t going to get to the right classroom and didn’t know prof name and…. Guilt almost overwhelming
with failure.’
It was the kind of dream when I thought I was awake – but that was part of the dream. — even when I thought I was awake I wasn’t. And so anxiety remained in full force. How would I face my kids. My people… myself I was a fraud. O
I woke, for true, enough to realize it was a dream. But I still felt the guilt for what I had done. …whatever that was…
Then I realized that the dream couldn’t have been true or I would t have graduated from Vanderbilt and McCormick. Have a Rev. And. A Dr.
And some how I heard the line from QUEER Eye when they were talking to the gay pastor saying…to him. ‘Why is God’s grace not for you, child of God?’
But that was spoken to me.
Why do I – Carry around the Old guilt for anything. God’s grace and forgiveness is for everyone. Me too. Hail Mary Full of grace..and some of that grace is for me.
It was a lifting… an epiphany… a wondrous time- a lifting.
“And Christ still sends me roses. We try to be formed and held and kept by him, but instead he offers us freedom.
And now when I try to know his will,
his kindness floods me,
his great love overwhelms me,
and I hear him whisper,
Surprise me.”
Excerpt From Mariette in Ecstasy, Ron Hansen
The Spirit Will Tell You 